Tip guilt.

S: "Oh no, I forgot to tip the lady who cut my hair!"

...

Ten minutes later...

...

S: "I can't believe I didn't tip her!"
The Father: "Geez, you'd make a great Catholic."

It's like ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife.

At Baskin Robbins...

The Father: "Oh look, ice cream cones on an ice cream cake. That's ironic."
Syrup: "That's not ironic, Alanis!"

Five minutes later...

Syrup (singing): "It's the good advice you just didn't take, it's like ice cream cones on an ice cream cake..."
The Father: "Shut uuuup. Just for that, you get the clown cake."

Otters > Everything Else

I showed Hashbrowns this video:



Her reaction?

"You can train them!? Is it carrying the letter with its hand!? Holy sh**, otters are better than everything!!"

Jason DeRulo

I actually quite like the sound of his song, "Watcha Say," BUT I HATE THE MESSAGE.

I was listening to it with Hashbrowns, and when he says "I was caught up in her lust / when I don't really want no one else..."

S: "Oh, so it was HER fault. I see."
H: "You always do this when you hear this song..."
S: "Well, it's bullsh**."
H: "Yea. He's like, 'We tripped, and our pants fell down, and I accidentally ended up in her, and we went "Whoops!" and then you walked in.'"
S: "Exactly."

Panty poltergeist.

Possibly a misquote, but too good not to include:

Kiki: "I have a presence in my underwear."

FarmVille.

I read this aloud to Hashbrowns:

"Behind me while I was sitting in Driver’s ED working on a packet, a group of intimidating football guys had gathered and were discussing how they had done in the game last week. One of them brought up the after party, and another said “No man, I had to go home and harvest my crops on FarmVille” They all accepted this as a legitimate answer, and then discussed how their plants were doing. IMMD"

She cracked up, then said, "In the future, no one will even know how much of an impact FarmVille had on our lives...even though I hear alarms go off all the time, only for a friend to announce, 'Sorry, I have to go harvest my pumpkins.'"

Non-Quote: Pearl Giveaway

Kiki has mourned her the loss of her elegant long pearl necklace ever since it went missing after Hashbrowns's prom. I would love to win this giveaway so I could buy her a new necklace, even though it could never replace the other one.

The giveaway is held here, at French Charming's blog, and the store offering the giveaway is PearlNecklaceSource.com.

Just another day at the beach.

HB (to the ocean): "Die, you salty bitch!"

Care packages are complicated.

HB: "And I'll send you a box of SOCKS...with chocolate hidden beneath them."
S: "I'm pretty sure they have chocolate in California."
HB (shakes head solemnly): "No. No they don't."
Kiki: "The chocolate will melt in the box, you know."
HB: "Well then, she'll have delicious chocolate socks!”

I think Marx touched on this concept.

S: “There's no room for a princess in a car full of communists.”

And yet, she always gets through security.

S: "“You're a serious act of terrorism, HB.”

This happens to me more often than I care to admit.

S: “I was lotioning my hands and I got trapped in the bathroom because I couldn't turn the knob!”

Is there a naked guy in the back?

S: "What are you doing?"
HB: "Making a very mature pillow fort."
Sarah: "And you can't come in!"

My father had never before expressed an interest in drag.

The Father (on school dance guidelines): “No cross dressing! What's the point?”

I stand by that claim, too.

HB: "You are very bad."
S: "No, just normal."

Where are your ethics, Waldo? I think that's the real puzzle.

HB: "I played Where's Waldo today. He cheated."
S: "Waldo is a cheating bastard. I could have told you that.

In which Jesus tries to get a minor drunk.

HB: "Oh goody, water."
Kiki: "It's not water..."
HB: "It's wine! You're trying to get me drunk!"
Kiki: "I turned the water into wine."
HB: "Ah! Jesus!

Now that I think about it, that's just sexist.

The Father: "It says it's open 24 hours a day."
S: "Ha! You're open 24 hours a day!"
The Father: "..."
S: "That probably would have been better with a girl."
HB: "Probably."

Well, it is.

HB: "And the trucker's name will be Malcolm P. Botannica, and the 'P' will stand for 'Pillow.'"
S: "...That is the gayest trucker name I have ever heard."

I know that not all my opinions will be popular.

S: "I don't like Anne Frank, she was a whiner."
HB: "Yeah, the holocaust wasn't so bad, she could've toughed it out."

And then he'd make it roll.

HB: “Fonzie could charm the pants off a rock...if that rock were wearing pants.”

She's not up to that level of wizardry yet.

The Father (to HB): "Couldn't you have just ordered the sandwich without bacon if you were going to take it off anyway?"
S: "No, that's pretty advanced magic.”

Our mother's self-mutilation.

Kiki: “Want to know what this [really big] scab is on my ankle? I KICKED MY OWN SELF.”

Buzz, buzz.

HB: “Syrup, don't drink that honey in public! I swear, sometimes it was like she was raised by BEES.”

What she's not is pure, undiluted modesty.

HB: “I am genius. Not a genius, just pure, undiluted genius.”

So that's where I get it!

The Father: “Usually I just come home [from golf] and take off all my clothes. 'Well, that was a fun round...WHEE!'”

It's okay, I'm over Star Wars, too.

HB: "What's that one with the giant caterpillar?"
Kiki/S: "...you mean Jabba the Hut?"
HB: "Oh. Yeah.”

You're interfering with its "chair-ness."

S: “HB, stop! You're compromising the integrity of the chair.”

It's difficult for me to sleep-talk on command.

HB (to me): “I think I'm going to ask you some questions while you sleep tonight. FYI. So have some good answers.”

I really don't know what to say about this.

HB: “I think..I'm starting to burp things that I've never eaten.”

All my other organs have much milder dispositions.

S: “If a dream is a wish your heart makes...my heart wants a lot of eff'd up stuff.”

On the Christmas version of "It's a Small World."

HB: “Wow, Mexico really went all out this year!”

HB is a devout Christian. Oh wait, "a sloth."

HB: “If I were being chased by a sloth I would still run at full speed.”

I made a pun on purpose. Enjoy it, because it'll never happen again.

S: "Zombies, dead ahead!"

This is what a liberal education did to me.

S: "I'm a girl...as evidenced by my boyish good looks."

She got it out of a Mrs. Butterworth bottle.

HB (to me): "I've got a ring and I'm going to DECODE YOU!!!"

Love really IS a battlefield.

HB (to me): "I hurtle my love at you, put up a shield!"

I'm also a proponent of laissez-faire socialism.

S: "I like hedonism, in moderation."

No, it's actually a really insightful comment on the restrictive nature of state government policies..

HB (to me): “Why are you not wearing pants today? Too much of an effort?”

As opposed to large, like Egypt.

HB: "My hands are so small. Sometimes I'm hesitant to put them on the table with other hands because I'm afraid people will notice."

Cirque du freak cream cheese accident.

HB: "What if it had exploded, and we would have to explain that the horrible scarring on our faces is from a cream cheese mishap."
S: "Then that would be sad."
HB: "That's it?"
S: "Did you want a different response? How about: then people would find joy in the freak show?"
HB: "Ah! That's worse!

Headline news at the beach.

The Father: "Surfer attacked by vicious sea otters and relentlessly groomed!"

More important than taking a shower?

S: "HB, we just had an argument about towels."
HB: "Well it was important!"

That must have been some dream.

The Boyfriend (typing, half-asleep): "i slowly peel you out from beteen this big piece of paarkign stickr and asked her i fi werre over again"
S: "What!?"

My Little Pony is NSFW.

HB: "I love pure ponies, not c***-loving ponies!"
S: "All ponies love the c***."

The Big Spoon.

S: "Do you like to be the big spoon or the little spoon?"
HB: "The big spoon, because I like to know what the other spoon is doing."
S: "Like WHAT?"
HB: "Like looking around! Or moving their fingers...or knitting."
S: "Knitting!?"
HB: "Yes. They'll be like, "here, I made you a sweater," and I'll be like, "wha-..where..huh!?""

Do not eat the wild animals.

HB and I had a pack of those pills that turn into sponge animals that grow in water (I know, a sponge getting bigger in water? oh em gee!). They weren't that interesting on their own, so..

HB: "If there's a pattern, and we find a monkey...will you eat it?" S: "Maybe..--it's a wildebeest!" HB: "Good thing we didn't eat it, then."

Later, our mother caught us planning to eat one of the pills (why? to see what would happen, of course). She was not in favor of science that day.

Kiki: "If you girls eat those sponge animals, I will conclude that you are not mature enough to go to college and keep you both home."
S: "We should hide them and eat them later."
HB: "Good plan."

We hid them in The Joy of Cooking, thinking that we were being very clever. Little did we know that Kiki would choose that night to actually cook.

And thus our cunning plan was foiled.

And he totally got a sunburn. Later, he shaved his mustache off and it was HILARIOUS.

HB: "(laughs)"
S: "..why are you laughing?"
HB: "Oh, something about Hitler."
S: "..something about Hitler..and you're LAUGHING?"
HB: "Yeah, I was remembering that time, you know, Hitler and I went to the beach."

Sometimes my boobs scream.

S: "I hate dresses like that. They make her breasts look like they're screaming."
HB: "They WERE screaming. I could hear them above the music."

I still haven't gotten over it.

S: "Shattered dream, thy name is 'nipple rings.'"

Also, German sounds terrible with a Mexican accent.

S: "Taco patties make me so sad."
HB: "Why?"
S: "Because it's part of a hamburger patty in a taco hard shell. It makes me want to cry."
HB: "That really confuses me..."

Either that, or she stole them from me.

S: “It just occurred to me that you shouldn't hate on God. He gave you the good boobs.”

Also God loves you, and you're going to burn in hell.

S: “Sex is dirty. And bad. And it'll kill you. Except if you get married before you have it. Then you have sexual immunity. But it's still kind of bad.”

Orange and veiny.

S: "Guess what's different about me!"
HB: "You're smaller. You shrunk. No, you're thinner. Um, you've been tanning. You're orange. No, it's your face. You're veiny. Veiny-er."
S: "Look at my EARS!"
HB: "Oh, you got another piercing."
S: "No, you were right the first time. I'm orange and VEINY."

Actually, she was a high class call girl.

HB: "Guess what this receipt is from."
S: "Your latest whore?"

But there's a blizzard outside!

HB: "Now I'm bored again."
The Mother (now called Kiki): "Don't you have any inner resources?"
HB: "I do, but they're all outside!"

Maybe she had crabs.

S: "Why did you just laugh like a crustacean???"
HB: "Because I had milk in my mouth!"

James Nigel Percy is the quintessential British man.

HB: "What is the name of every British man in an American movie?"
S: "Percy."
HB: "No."
S: "Nigel?"
HB: "Guess again."
S: "James!"
HB: "Yes!"
S: "Yay, I win!"

It will prompt you to install some more lettuce.

HB: "What happens if you plug a sandwich into the computer?"

Politics is frustrating.

S: “No matter your political stance, you shouldn't blindly vote based on the party that claims to pander to your insufferably ignorant values.”

I appreciate that, really.

HB: "If I had to kill someone, it wouldn't be you."
S: "That's sweet."

I always cheated at Candy Land so I could get the ice princess. Maybe that's why.

The Boyfriend: "Your hands are like ice princesses!"

The Walrus craves a fringe to match his mustache.

HB: "The time has come..."
S: "The walrus said: to get some mother-effing bangs."
HB: "...I don't recollect that."
S: "And then maybe eat a bunch of baby oysters.

Failed chastity.

The Father: "I'm saving myself for marriage."
HB: "...Isn't it a little late? I mean, your child is sitting next to you."

Just let the Jew out.

HB: "Ah, I can't stop drawing Jewish stars!!!"
The Mother: "Just go with it, let it out."

Not Texas, maybe?

HB: "Your hands are big, like Egypt."
S: "..."
HB: "That was not at all what I meant to say."

Crisis of ego.

HB: “Are we really this smart? OR DID WE TAMPER WITH TIME!? No, no, we MUST be this smart SOMEtimes...”

Ew.

HB: “Do you think the whole world smells like the world, with a hint of snot?”

Abandon all sleep, ye who enter here.

The Mother: “Your nose whistles sound like the cries of the damned.”

I called it a "jacchus hammer." It was very clever.

S: "Yay, my prize is here!"
HB: "What did you get a prize for?"
S: "I correctly guessed that an origami penis belonged to a pygmy marmoset, and gave it some slang."

Sorry, Dig'Em.

The Father: “I don't care much for caricature frogs as mascots for things.”

HB's definition of a date.

HB: "Let me ask you something, are you planning on sleeping with this couple?"
S: "No..."
HB: "Then how can it be considered a date?!"
S: "...(chuckles)"
HB: "Sh**, I'm a whore!!!"

How about another plan?

HB: "What are we going to do now?"
S: "Eff off and die."
HB: "That just doesn't sound like a good time to me."

Mind reading is my super power.

Syrup: "Ew."
HB: "What?"
Syrup: "Oh, nothing."
HB: "...Were you just reading my thoughts?!"

I remember Pogs!

Syrup: "The 90s is like that dorky kid that you feel bad for."
HB: "Yeah, we're like 'There, there 90s, have some pogs.'"

If wishes were fishes..

I have no recollection of this quote.

Syrup: “I gotta go online in the middle of the night and diss on fish, ok?!”

At least it wasn't in her pants.

HB: "Party up in here, woo woo. Party down there, oo oo." Syrup: "Party down there?" HB: "Yeah, there's always a party up in here. Why not have one down there too?"

Visage.

Syrup: "Look at your face--what's up with that?"
HB: "God made it, I just wear it."

The lecher and the ho.

Stolen from HB's quotes.


The Father: "Why do people always think I'm dating my daughters?"
HB: "Because you look like a lecherous old man-"
The Father: "Hey!"
HB: "-and I look like a gold digging ho."
The Father: "Well, I can believe that."

An arsonist stopped by.

My mother, my sister, and I were discussing Betsy, Tacy, and Tib and the time they went calling. The specific topic was the calling cards that people used to leave at others' houses during visiting hours. Apparently, if the person you were visiting was unavailable, you would fold a corner of your calling card to indicate certain things, like you would come back later, or they were welcome at your house.

I don't know why we started talking about arsonists, but we decided that an arsonist would have a plain white card with bold black type in the center that announced: An Arsonist Stopped By. If you were out of the house, the arsonist would fold whichever corner meant, "It's okay, I didn't set your house on fire this time," or the far more ominous, "I'll come back later when you're home."


Notable quotes:

• HB: "She's so hilarious she has to cover it up!"