On "that time of the month"...

Syrup: "Aaahhh! Pearl Harbor!"

Karen Cristo

The eldest daughter of Ken and Theresa, who neglected and ignored her. Karen was desperate, needy, and always trying to get with the men in town--but she was constantly rejected. (Hashbrowns: "They saw the crazy behind her eyes and ran.") Once tried to kill someone. For years she was in love with Christi's husband, Eric, until his untimely death (not caused by Karen).

Tutuk Native American

The crazier daughter of the Native American family.

[Unknown]

Name unknown, but fabulous nonetheless.

Trina Native American (Mother and Son)

Trina was married to Harry, Ken Cristo's best friend. She was much more understanding of the relationship between N'Kota and Kevin than Theresa.

Nicole Cristo

One of Ken and Theresa's daughters. She had a twin sister named Amber.

Tom and Kim

Kim Loggen

Modeled after Sandy from the movie 'Grease' (pre-makeover), Kim was the most pure and saccharine character: a do-gooder, perfectly sweet and kind, and totally faithful to her husband, whom she loved. She made the sex they had seem chaste.

Baby Spice

Another Spice Girl casualty.

Ken and Theresa

Theresa Cristo

The beautiful, intelligent, assertive wife of Ken Cristo. Sure, she had her dark side, but she was generally a benevolent matriarch. She was also the only person in the Cristo family who could command respect from all its members, and the only person who could control Ken and bring him home when he was drunk.

Ken Cristo

The handsome, dashing, charming, witty patriarch of the community. Although he was rich and had a couple of cars, he preferred to travel by horse. (His paint stallion, whose name was Cristo, was his best friend and at times far more responsible than Ken.) Ken was a passionate, loyal husband to Theresa (despite being a bit of a flirt) and a loving father to his many children--when he wasn't drunk or in one of his moods. His drunken escapades are legend in his town, but so are his fits of generosity. He threw the monthly balls, after all. Everyone (except maybe his jealous brother, Kenickie) loved--and sometimes feared--Ken, even when behaved like a fool.

Kevin Cristo

Ken Cristo's son and Hashbrowns's favorite member of the community. He dated N'Kota, Jenny, every other hot new chick. For some reason, girls found him irresistible. His mother locked him in the closet once because she found out that he was dating a Native American.

Nervous and sweet, and perhaps intimidated by his father's awesome presence.

Hart Attkersen

Hart was one of the nicest guys in the community. He gave good advice and he was an excellent dancer. Sometimes his head would pop off, which caused the ladies who loved him a lot of grief.

Sporty Spice

Not much of a character. Mostly just obnoxious and kind of trashy. She has a gold tooth.

Jenny Loggen

The sister of Tom Loggen should have been such a lovely, wholesome girl. That wasn't really the case. Jenny was described by other, rather judgmental women in her community as a "slut" and a "drug addict." She pressured Kevin Cristo for sex and eventually took his virginity and his heart. She wasn't really a bitch, just a party girl, often drunk and/or naked.

Her head once popped off, so we glued it back on. She can't swivel it now.

Esmeralda

Esmeralda didn't begin a lesbian, but she sure ended up one after a spree with the scissors. Yay diversity!

[Unknown]

I can't remember anything about her! Curse my aged brain.

[Unknown]

Hart's sister. Great cheekbones.

N'kota Native American

N'kota Native American originated as a Jasmine Barbie, but we chose to put her in the only Native American family, since we didn't have any other Middle Eastern citizens. She dated Kevin Cristo for a while, but they were forced apart by Kevin's racist mother, Theresa.

Tom Loggen

Tom was quiet, kind, and a little awkward. He was the town doctor who also occasionally treated pets. He was one of the few town citizens to own a car. He was married to Kim, his soul mate. Together they had a daughter, [Unknown].

Ginger Loggen

The wacky mother of Tom, Jenny, and Alice Loggen. (Alice is missing from our collection, but she has an important history: she was a paranoid schizophrenic who also tried to sleep with her own brother.)

Carson Raffy

He came to town and got a job with the Cristos, the community's most prominent family. Karen Cristo, Ken's daughter, was originally interested in him, but Carson chose to pair up with her more whorish sister, Christi (as everyone does). Despite his rejection of her, Carson was the only person in town who was considerate of Karen's feelings. He was very outdoorsy and charming to everyone.

[Unknown]

This Barbie we received near the end of our Barbie phase, so she didn't get a name that we can remember. It was probably the name that we considered the prettiest at the time. She came with a string of white beads around her neck, so she was decidedly the classiest member of the community. For this shoot, we framed her beauty in the clothes of a politician's wife: a full blue skirt with white polka dots and a red jacket with rabbit fur trim. Very patriotic.

[Unknown]

We don't remember her name, but we know that she came with Ginger, the golden retriever, and that she was kind of an attention whore.

I mean, obviously. Look at those posable limbs. What a skank.

[Unknown]

I don't remember her name, but when I got this Barbie, I was immediately infatuated with her squishy midriff and long, soft hair.

The men of the community felt the same.

She is modeling what we dubbed the "Wine Dark Dress."

Barbara Cristo

Kenickie Cristo's wife. Sweet and kind in general, though critical of her children and very strict. She kept her husband in check.

Kenickie Cristo

Brother to Ken Cristo, the richest (and drunkest) man in town. Kind of a jerk sometimes, especially to his children. Often at odds with his brother, who was the favorite of their parents and sometimes hit on Kenickie's wife. As witty a character as we could muster as children. A snappy dresser with a strong bitch slappin' hand.


(Hashbrowns made me write that).

Jamie Morgan

An exotically beautiful girl, with starfish in her ears. Not completely sure why. She was Jenny Loggen's best friend, but that didn't stop her from flirting with Kevin Cristo while the two were dating.

Kendra Miyaki

Kendra was the token Asian of the community. She was some kind of dancer who maybe had the power of flight? or ice skating? (she arrived with a cape and other frippery befitting the Ice Capades). She was the back-up date of any guy who didn't have one for the ball. Due to her extreme flexibility, Kendra was a very popular date.

Angelica "Scary Spice" Houston

Acquired at the height of our Spice Girl phase. We tacked on a realistic name and marveled at her amazing fashion sense (she came with zebra-striped go go boots). Other than that, she didn't seem to have much of a role in the Barbie community, but she did have great hair.

Barbiography

When Hashbrowns and I were wee, imaginative tots, we spent a lot of time playing with Barbies. Their lives were complex and fraught with drama, much like the characters in daytime soap operas. They experimented with sex and alcohol, occasionally dabbled in murder, and had a grand ball at least once a month, where they waltzed to Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night." Once, they put on a rendition of Andrew Lloyd Webber's classic musical, Cats (which is why some of them still have black markings on their faces--those were from their stripey stage makeup). At the end of any given day, Barbies in various stages of undress, and in the most obscene positions their rigid limbs could muster, would be strewn all over the living room.

Now, many years later, it's time to say goodbye to (some of) our Barbies--but not before we give them tribute. Stay tuned for the Barbiographies!