On ingratitude.

HB: "Do people really need new iPhones so badly that they literally hate their parents for not giving them one? That's what Twitter says."

On Halloween.

Syrup (as she brushes her wig, which she has set upon Kiki's head): "This is the nerdiest costume I've ever worn."
Kiki: "Nuh uh. There was that other one."
S: "Which one?"
K: "Charmander."
S: "I was never Charmander! I can't believe you remember that name. I think you're the nerd."
K: "I'd be Charmander. That'd be a cool costume, with all the fire."

Maybe you'd better take a break from Facebook.

Kiki (waking up suddenly): "Oh! Syrup, I just had a dream about Facebook, and on my Feed it said, "Robert Lawson Likes: Before beating up father, giving him a long, cool stare while drinking gin." It's the only thing I can remember from my entire Home page."

France!

HB: "You should get with a French man."
Syrup: "I wouldn't know how to negotiate consent or STI testing or condoms."
HB: "Avez-vous un manteau pour ton penis?"
S: "--pour ton coq? Do you have a coat for your rooster?"

---

HB: "Alouette, voulez-vous un macaron? Quelle dommage! ...I'm taunting the pigeons in French."

Why do they use tables when they have perfectly good bellies?

(HB and Syrup are on Skype. HB adjusts her webcam so Syrup is looking up at her, it seems, from the vantage point of her lap.)

Syrup: "It's like I'm on your tummy!"
HB: "Aww yeah, it's like you're my clam."
Syrup: "..your clam?"
HB: "Yeah, like an otter with a clam on its belly."
Syrup: "Ohhh. That is not how I took it at all."


Bonus!

HB: "I'm so bald. I look like a Renaissance painting."

The country's going to hell in some variety of basket.

Syrup: "Aaaahhh! Why, why, WHY would Republicans bitch about the deficit, only to extend tax cuts that added $700 billion dollars to our national debt, and then reduce that debt by only $60 billion, by cutting programs that we actually NEED?"
Kiki: "They have a plan."
Syrup: "What?? What is it!? What could it possibly be!? Where is this country going?? To hell, most likely."
Kiki: "Yep."
Syrup: "In a handbasket."
Kiki: "No, more likely just some random basket."

I'll give you one guess as to whether alcohol was involved.

Syrup: "This is the night of high fives!*"


*Syrup never gives high fives.

Poor Bruno.

Aaron (while Bruno is speaking): "Don't breathe because if you do, I'm going to add something in there."

Bitch-ness activated.

Kiki: "Don't ever be sick around HB. It activates her bitch-ness."
HB: "You smell like a hospital."

Maybe we are too close.

Kiki: "Get your poon over on Syrup's side. And keep your underwear on!"
HB: "But then my muffin can't breathe!"

Carnie.

HB: "Today Molly purposely shouted "small hands" at me."

Are you sure you're not a Marx brother?

HB: "You threw away my joke cigarette. How will I make jokes?"

The Littlest Princess.

Kiki: "Stop being a baby princess."
HB: "It's not...like...I'm being a baby princess."

Every song sounds like peeing!*

HB and I were in the car, trying to get somewhere, and both really needing to tinkle after drinking a lot of tea. We started fantasizing about how great it would be if women had a mechanism for easy urination, somewhat like the male organ but daintier and capable of retraction.

Syrup: "Like a proboscis...peeboscis!"


*Even listening to music was dangerous.

A cute conversation, according to Kiki.

HB: "How would you feel if someone told you that they didn't like movies?"
Syrup: "Confused. It would be as if they didn't like breathing--"
HB: "Too extreme."
Syrup: "--or snacks."
HB: "Yeah, snacks. I get that."

"Parmesan cheese isn't an animal product, you know."

Syrup: "I can't tell if you seriously think that, or if you're just screwing with me."
HB: "You'll never know."
S: "Well, now I do."

Tortellini.

Syrup: "How did you end up with so much tortellini?"
HB: "I didn't say "when" for a while."

Socks.

HB: "I bought these socks on a day trip to Malaysia that I used to buy socks."
Syrup: "You're the most interesting sock buyer in the world."
HB: "What a boring title."

Hey, you probably shouldn't blow up.

HB (to Father): "Is that your advice to a volcano shirt?"

Mine, on the other hand, are more like two hamsters.

HB: "My boobs are so heavy. They're like two guinea pigs."

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Kurt: "Can you eat the chips if Jessie (the dog) gets hair on them?"
Taite: "Probably not. She's a vegetarian."