Amurrrica.

HB: "Can we please get a filet-o-fish today? It could be my last American filet-o-fish for months."
S: "Oh, your last American filet-o-fish. Ok then."

Who the hell knows what this means?

HB: "I feel wonderfully full of lavender flashing."

We have more arguments about towels than anything else.

Syrup: "How could you not know which towel is mine? It's the one with the smaller tag and the slightly frayed edges!"

I'm sure they thought so, too.

Syrup: "Hmm, pretty convenient how you're not dying, main characters."

They have puffins in Scotland? Puffins can FLY?

HB: "Dammit, you don't know anything about puffins!"

At Costco, choosing body wash.

Old Spice body wash: "The smell of a man that showers in the joyous tears of falcons while climbing up a mountain."
Syrup (to Father): "Get that one."

Watching "Nutcracker" ballet on television.

Father: "If I went to the ballet more often, I might be tempted to go gay. All those firm buttockses."

"I'm just a simple caveman..your modern ways confuse me."

Syrup (watching a movie): "Do you think that's a set?"
Kiki: "I think they CSI'd it.."
Syrup: *snicker*
Kiki: CGI'd?
Syrup: "Mmhmm."
Kiki: "Shut up. There are plenty of things you don't know."

Ew, exercise.

Kiki: "That's it! You can meet people at the gym!"
Syrup: "I'm not going to the gym."

Mandarin orange.

Kiki (convinced that her orange is poisoned because it smelled kind of sweetly chemical): "Something in our genetic code doesn't want us to eat this smell."

I love Bob.

My friend Bob: "If only I could parlay logical pessimism into success. We're all screwed, and the fact is we'll never fix it no matter how many twisty light bulbs and electric cars we use, but it's okay because in the end you were just going to rot in the ground and be worm food. doesn't make for a great book title."

HB: "That is a very scary threat coming from a parent."

Syrup: *trying to put her cold feet on her mother*
Kiki: "Stop it. Stop it! I'm warning you! Okay, you're gonna get molested!"

Birds and feathers!

Father Figure: *burp* "Oh, excuse me! Birds and feathers!"
Syrup: "What??"
FF: "That's what my dad always says while he burps: Birrrrrrrrrrds and feathers!"
S: "Ooh, classy."

Tomatoes rated R for "ripe."

Aaron: "Well, these tomatoes are very sexual if you want to play with them. They're squirting everywhere. You barely touch them and they erupt."

Much less generous than the Tooth Fairy.

Syrup: "Lately I've been tingling..down there."
Hashbrowns: "Maybe you have a bladder fairy."

Vanity, thy name is Syrup.

Syrup: "I feel really vain for saying this, but sometimes when I go on my Facebook page, I get lost in my own eyes."
Hashbrowns: "That's okay. I do, too."

That's just not right.

Hashbrowns: "I just snapped all over my face."
Syrup: "Ew, I don't need to hear about that."

In the airport.

Boyfriend: "I just bought a Seattle shot glass so that whenever I drink, I'll be with you!"

Eric Northman.

Syrup: "His pecs are so pec-y they pec right out of his sweater!"

.........

..........................

.........................................

It's 5 o'clock somewhere, but that's a little much.

HB: "Do you want to get drunk?"
S: "No."
HB: "Why?"
S: "Because I have no one to make out with."
HB: "I'll make out with you!"
S: "Ew, no. Ew!"
HB: "I just thought it might help."

Kevin Kern: "Velvet Green"

Syrup (1:30 in the morning, when emotions run rampant): "Oh my God...it's so beautiful. I just almost cried because there was a violin."

Hashbrowns: "See how Soundscapes can change from scary to beautiful in a second?"

Syrup: "Oh, I almost cried again because there was a new string instrument!"



And then my friend Bob sent me this, which did not help matters at all.

Such artful use of 5 / 7 / 5.

HB: "I miss Boyfriend J."
Syrup: "Me, too."
HB: If he were here, I'd count all his freckles, just to keep him near.
Syrup: "..."
HB: "Is that a haiku? [counts] No, it's not. [types] But this is!"

Her haiku:

Oh if he were here

I would count all his freckles

To keep him so near

So hot.

HB (to Boyfriend J and Syrup): "You know what would be sexy?"
Syrup/Boyfriend J: "Hmm?"
HB: "If you both role-played two crows fighting over a bead."

To the tune of "The Flintstones."

HB: "Breadstick! Cheesy breadstick! It's the last one and it's mine!"

Misty: "Breadstick! Cheesy breadstick! I don't want it, that's okay, it's fiiine!"

The plot of Deliverance II?

HB: "I'm going to play a twangy guy who hates you."

I don't remember saying this at all.

Syrup: "I'm glad you don't need baking ingredients to cry."

Playing Scrabble.

HB: "There's only one way to spell the word and that's across or down."
Boyfriend J: "....That would be two ways."
HB: "There are many ways I can kill you in your sleep!"

At HB's party, 3 a.m.

Syrup: "The time has come, the Walrus said, to shut the f*** up and go to bed!"

Fighting a fruit fly.

Syrup: "Agh! It's impervious to blowing!...but it HATES clapping."

It was too lusty.

Syrup: "Piiiiiiiiiiiie. Oh! That was a scary pie voice."

I like the way they think.

Syrup: "The first time I ever got drunk, I told everyone I was a backwards raccoon."
Mollyollyoxenfree: "What does that mean?"
HB: "It means she put concealer around her eyes."
M: "That sounds more like a success story than anything."
HB: "It was! The touching story of one woman's choice to rise above her humanity."

Is so!

Syrup: "As attractive as The Boyfriend is, that's how unattractive the H.S.-Ex is right now."
HB: "I don't know. The Boyfriend isn't THAT attractive."
Syrup: [dirty look]

I'm not sure how popular she'll be.

HB: "My stripper name is going to be 'Ubiquitous Turtle.'"

She was totally possessed.

HB: "I only snort because I'm full of buttercups!"

Not a bad business plan, actually.

"HB's Audio Texts: For Those Who Are Sick of That Reading Sh**."

This version of the nursery tune really depresses me.

HB (singing): "Do you know the muffin top? It lives above your pants."

She used to have worms, but now..

HB: "It feels like there are butterflies in my stomach that are in love with each other."

Maybe I'd better stay in the closet, then.

Amy "Apple-Bottom Face": "If someone came out to me now I'd be like, wow, that means you really love penis, like you want it all over you all day. Like if you're a lesbian, you have to want to put your face in a vagina."

Attention deficit moose.

After reading this.

Boyfriend: "So your plan was to taunt the moose, then lie on the ground and play dead? What if it had been a moose with a longer attention span than most moose? You're lucky you got the ADD moose."

The walrus is so overhyped!

Syrup: "What was that sound?...it was magical."
Syrup's roomie: "Like a walrus?"

At the drag show.

Man at the bar: "I've never been to a drag show. What's it like?"
Syrup: [explaining]
Man: "Wow. You sound terrifyingly intelligent."

And then I salted his garden.

HB (or possibly The Father?): "I killed an octopus, gentle denizen of the sea."

Something I never want to imagine again, ever.

Syrup (splashed): "Wet you make of me! Bleaarrgh."
HB: "Wet you make of me? It's like Yoda doing dirty talk."

HB's new nickname.

"Easy sticks."

Dungeons and Dragons.

Boyfriend J: "Is it bad that I've always wanted to play D and D?"
Syrup: "Yes."
Boyfriend J: "Oh. Then...I'm...gonna...not...have...that feeling."

Bubble bath, candles, and wine.

Boyfriend J: "Shh! I'm romancing myself."

Breaking news: baby bunny eats a tiny flower, washes its face.

Father: "It looks delicious."
HB: "...I hope you mean the tiny flower."
Father: "Uh, sure."

Shameless contest-entering post.

Go to the incomparable Diary of a Vintage Girl for your chance to win a gorgeous "Ava" set of lingerie from Playful Promises!

Projection (and later, projectile).

Syrup: "Ugh. Hangover."
Hashbrowns: "I feel the same way. I think the whole world does."

Sammy Sealcrest.

Father: "Finally, an outlet for my deep seated hatred for Ryan Seacrest.."
Syrup: "He is awful, I agree."
Father: "They should replace him with a chimp. Ratings would improve."
Syrup: "But I hate chimps!"
Father: "Okay, how about a seal?"
Syrup: "A seal would be adorable."
Hashbrowns: "I would definitely watch if the host were a seal!"
Father: "Naturally. Who wouldn't? I should produce my own TV show with Sammy Sealcrest as the host."

Drunkmouth.

Syrup: "I like being tipsy. It makes my brain feel like velvet...rubbed the wrong way."

Mugcake. It sounds about as appealing as it is.

Boyfriend J found this yesterday:

"You can cook a cake in a microwave. In 5 minutes. Seriously. Barry stumbled across this recipe for how to make a cake in a mug. In a MUG. How did I not learn of this during all those years as an undergrad?! I suddenly feel inadequate, like I haven't truly mastered life as a poor college student. If you can bake a cake in a microwave, what other culinary arts have I yet to discover? Casserole in a toaster oven, perhaps? I simply had to have my cake and eat it, too, to see if this recipe really works."

Needless to say, J was really excited to try it. (He was undeterred by this: "As far as the cake itself goes... it's not going to win you any prizes in a baking contest.") None of our mugs were deep enough, so I told him to buy a big mug and then he could do it. He pouted, then gave in. Today he bought a mug. And then he made a microwave mugcake.

Boyfriend J (microwave beeps): "The mugcake is ready, the mugcake is ready, the mugcake is ready!!!"

...five seconds later...

Boyfriend J: "Oh. I see what they mean."

Rabbit H&M.

HB: "Oh, is that H&M?"
S: "No, it's not H&M--it's a rabbit in a dress!"
HB: "Oh. I thought maybe it was a rabbit H&M."

Kreskin's ESP.

HB: "It says 1...5...fifteen. But that's not right."
Kiki: [look of disbelief]
HB: "Fifteen!?"


Sorry, private joke.

Old vacation quotes, Palm Springs 2005.

Syrup : "Oh my gosh--I thought I'd drawn something really inappropriate in here, but it was just a Pope hat."

HB: "Seaforts Seaforts--the Perfect Name."

Syrup: "My very own Indian Casino--and it could be called, Casino Kumseenomunee."

Syrup: "How are you ever going to impress the Fuhrer if you can't even get the song "Uber Alles" right?"

Mexican Guy at San Simeon: "The road is very ANGRY, my friend."

Syrup: "What do mermaids know? They have terrible taste in tuna."

Kiki: "Crumb brulee--write that down, Syrup."

HB: "Syrup knows her presidents."
Syrup: "No I don't."
HB: "No she does not!"

HB: "My laugh is just like kittens that won't stay in the damn basket."

Decrease the surplus population.

HB: "Three people in that movie can no longer have children."

Back when Sponge Bob was still good.

Technically these aren't HB & Syrup quotes, but...whatever.

Patrick: You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you started acting like one.
SpongeBob: Yeah. Oh, but I'm not sure how.
Patrick: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest.
Patrick: Now say, "tax exemption."
SpongeBob: Tax exemption.
Patrick: Now you must develop a taste for free-form jazz.
Patrick: Okay, you're ready.

Spongbob boss: Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?
SpongeBob worker: You don't pay me. You don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.
Spongbob boss: One more crack like that and you're outta here!
SpongeBob worker: NO, PLEASE! I HAVE THREE KIDS!

Neptune: The accursed stove has burnt my finger. Taste thine own wrath, stove! Ha ha!

All right, back to our regularly-scheduled programming.

BYOC.

Some Random Dude at a Table: "There ARE no cows! You want a cow, you bring your OWN freaking cow!"

I'm a pusher.

HB: "Well, it was the first time you'd ever pushed an egg."
S: "It was not! I push eggs all the time!"

For those with sophisticated taste.

Syrup: "Ahhh, the World's Finest Erotic Giftshop! U-TURN! U-TURN!"

Picky murderess.

HB: "I need to kill somebody!"
Syrup: "So kill the cat."
HB: "He'll get hair on me."

PMS Ballet.

HB: "I AM a pissed-off ballerina!"

This is an ex-head parrot!

HB and I were hanging out with our younger cousins. They kept coming up behind us and putting their chins on top of our shoulders. This led HB to call them "head parrots," because their heads perched on our shoulders like parrots on the shoulders of pirates.

HB: "Elevator voice, head parrot!"

...

HB: "You guys--if we're quiet, Syrup might give us money!"
Syrup: "What!?"

...

HB: "You guys make terrible head parrots."

I love Madlibs.

"An all-poodle choir will be singing such distasteful children's classics as "Twinkle Twinkle Little Testicle.""

Cranky claim jumper.

HB's charming roommate: "HB was taking a nap and I was bored."
Syrup: "Pounce on her. She loves that."
HB: "No pouncing! I needs m'naps."
S: "You sound like a cranky claim jumper."
HB: "That's my alternate persona, Willie "Naps" McLogvaulter."

The horse your man could smell like.

Boyfriend J (attempted sexy Old Spice man voice): "I'm on a horse."
Syrup: "Hahahahaha..you don't sound like him at all!...you sound like the horse!"

Enneagram Test

Apparently I'm a type six?

COMPLETELY UNRELATED.

S (in a haze of sickness): "There's a web of mucus in my throat...ahh, skeet skeet motherf---[boyfriend J squishes my cheek with his forehead]--no, not on my face!"
Roommate (in living room, unable to see us): [endless laughter]

On "that time of the month"...

Syrup: "Aaahhh! Pearl Harbor!"

Karen Cristo

The eldest daughter of Ken and Theresa, who neglected and ignored her. Karen was desperate, needy, and always trying to get with the men in town--but she was constantly rejected. (Hashbrowns: "They saw the crazy behind her eyes and ran.") Once tried to kill someone. For years she was in love with Christi's husband, Eric, until his untimely death (not caused by Karen).

Tutuk Native American

The crazier daughter of the Native American family.

[Unknown]

Name unknown, but fabulous nonetheless.

Trina Native American (Mother and Son)

Trina was married to Harry, Ken Cristo's best friend. She was much more understanding of the relationship between N'Kota and Kevin than Theresa.

Nicole Cristo

One of Ken and Theresa's daughters. She had a twin sister named Amber.

Tom and Kim

Kim Loggen

Modeled after Sandy from the movie 'Grease' (pre-makeover), Kim was the most pure and saccharine character: a do-gooder, perfectly sweet and kind, and totally faithful to her husband, whom she loved. She made the sex they had seem chaste.

Baby Spice

Another Spice Girl casualty.

Ken and Theresa

Theresa Cristo

The beautiful, intelligent, assertive wife of Ken Cristo. Sure, she had her dark side, but she was generally a benevolent matriarch. She was also the only person in the Cristo family who could command respect from all its members, and the only person who could control Ken and bring him home when he was drunk.

Ken Cristo

The handsome, dashing, charming, witty patriarch of the community. Although he was rich and had a couple of cars, he preferred to travel by horse. (His paint stallion, whose name was Cristo, was his best friend and at times far more responsible than Ken.) Ken was a passionate, loyal husband to Theresa (despite being a bit of a flirt) and a loving father to his many children--when he wasn't drunk or in one of his moods. His drunken escapades are legend in his town, but so are his fits of generosity. He threw the monthly balls, after all. Everyone (except maybe his jealous brother, Kenickie) loved--and sometimes feared--Ken, even when behaved like a fool.

Kevin Cristo

Ken Cristo's son and Hashbrowns's favorite member of the community. He dated N'Kota, Jenny, every other hot new chick. For some reason, girls found him irresistible. His mother locked him in the closet once because she found out that he was dating a Native American.

Nervous and sweet, and perhaps intimidated by his father's awesome presence.

Hart Attkersen

Hart was one of the nicest guys in the community. He gave good advice and he was an excellent dancer. Sometimes his head would pop off, which caused the ladies who loved him a lot of grief.

Sporty Spice

Not much of a character. Mostly just obnoxious and kind of trashy. She has a gold tooth.

Jenny Loggen

The sister of Tom Loggen should have been such a lovely, wholesome girl. That wasn't really the case. Jenny was described by other, rather judgmental women in her community as a "slut" and a "drug addict." She pressured Kevin Cristo for sex and eventually took his virginity and his heart. She wasn't really a bitch, just a party girl, often drunk and/or naked.

Her head once popped off, so we glued it back on. She can't swivel it now.

Esmeralda

Esmeralda didn't begin a lesbian, but she sure ended up one after a spree with the scissors. Yay diversity!

[Unknown]

I can't remember anything about her! Curse my aged brain.

[Unknown]

Hart's sister. Great cheekbones.

N'kota Native American

N'kota Native American originated as a Jasmine Barbie, but we chose to put her in the only Native American family, since we didn't have any other Middle Eastern citizens. She dated Kevin Cristo for a while, but they were forced apart by Kevin's racist mother, Theresa.

Tom Loggen

Tom was quiet, kind, and a little awkward. He was the town doctor who also occasionally treated pets. He was one of the few town citizens to own a car. He was married to Kim, his soul mate. Together they had a daughter, [Unknown].

Ginger Loggen

The wacky mother of Tom, Jenny, and Alice Loggen. (Alice is missing from our collection, but she has an important history: she was a paranoid schizophrenic who also tried to sleep with her own brother.)

Carson Raffy

He came to town and got a job with the Cristos, the community's most prominent family. Karen Cristo, Ken's daughter, was originally interested in him, but Carson chose to pair up with her more whorish sister, Christi (as everyone does). Despite his rejection of her, Carson was the only person in town who was considerate of Karen's feelings. He was very outdoorsy and charming to everyone.

[Unknown]

This Barbie we received near the end of our Barbie phase, so she didn't get a name that we can remember. It was probably the name that we considered the prettiest at the time. She came with a string of white beads around her neck, so she was decidedly the classiest member of the community. For this shoot, we framed her beauty in the clothes of a politician's wife: a full blue skirt with white polka dots and a red jacket with rabbit fur trim. Very patriotic.

[Unknown]

We don't remember her name, but we know that she came with Ginger, the golden retriever, and that she was kind of an attention whore.

I mean, obviously. Look at those posable limbs. What a skank.

[Unknown]

I don't remember her name, but when I got this Barbie, I was immediately infatuated with her squishy midriff and long, soft hair.

The men of the community felt the same.

She is modeling what we dubbed the "Wine Dark Dress."

Barbara Cristo

Kenickie Cristo's wife. Sweet and kind in general, though critical of her children and very strict. She kept her husband in check.

Kenickie Cristo

Brother to Ken Cristo, the richest (and drunkest) man in town. Kind of a jerk sometimes, especially to his children. Often at odds with his brother, who was the favorite of their parents and sometimes hit on Kenickie's wife. As witty a character as we could muster as children. A snappy dresser with a strong bitch slappin' hand.


(Hashbrowns made me write that).

Jamie Morgan

An exotically beautiful girl, with starfish in her ears. Not completely sure why. She was Jenny Loggen's best friend, but that didn't stop her from flirting with Kevin Cristo while the two were dating.

Kendra Miyaki

Kendra was the token Asian of the community. She was some kind of dancer who maybe had the power of flight? or ice skating? (she arrived with a cape and other frippery befitting the Ice Capades). She was the back-up date of any guy who didn't have one for the ball. Due to her extreme flexibility, Kendra was a very popular date.

Angelica "Scary Spice" Houston

Acquired at the height of our Spice Girl phase. We tacked on a realistic name and marveled at her amazing fashion sense (she came with zebra-striped go go boots). Other than that, she didn't seem to have much of a role in the Barbie community, but she did have great hair.

Barbiography

When Hashbrowns and I were wee, imaginative tots, we spent a lot of time playing with Barbies. Their lives were complex and fraught with drama, much like the characters in daytime soap operas. They experimented with sex and alcohol, occasionally dabbled in murder, and had a grand ball at least once a month, where they waltzed to Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night." Once, they put on a rendition of Andrew Lloyd Webber's classic musical, Cats (which is why some of them still have black markings on their faces--those were from their stripey stage makeup). At the end of any given day, Barbies in various stages of undress, and in the most obscene positions their rigid limbs could muster, would be strewn all over the living room.

Now, many years later, it's time to say goodbye to (some of) our Barbies--but not before we give them tribute. Stay tuned for the Barbiographies!